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September 23, 2007

The Cougar Lounge - nm

"I'd hate to see it, but if they go up and don't compete well against Cal, the chances of them getting 50,000 people to watch Washington State are pretty reduced."

- Former Arizona football player Heath Bray predicting what the crowd might be like in Tucson on Saturday when Arizona hosts Wazzu before the Wildcats lost to Cal by 18 points last weekend.



"The rain made a huge difference. I bet a lot of girls didn't want to go."

- Arizona student Susan Longley, who indicates that that awful rainwater might also prevent Arizona fans - especially girls - from showing up at Saturday's game.




"This gave us a chance to see our level, and if we meet the Americans a next time, we will have tactics to beat the Americans. We are marching toward the target of a world title."

- North Korea women's soccer coach Kim Kwang-min, after tying the USA, 2-2, in the first round of the Women's World Cup [scoring both goals while star American player Abby Wambach was temporarily out of the game with an injury]. "Tactics?" "Marching"? "Target"? Just what are we talking about here? never mind, there will be no "next time" for Kwang-min after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor and defeated the North Koreans and their scheming head coach, 3-0, in the quarterfinals. The Lounge heard that Kwang-min must now return to his post of Minister of Googly-Eyed Trash-Talking Propaganda Monster.




"If I hit her on the shoulder, it is because she was standing very close to me at the same time I was trying to get into contact with the players on the field."

- Danish head coach Kenneth Heiner-Moller, who received a two-game suspension for "physical contact" with a Hungarian referee at the Women's World Cup, attempting the cite the Danish version of the 'ol "her face got in the way of my fist" defense that only works in grade school.









That large protuberance sticking out like an oversized zit on the forehead of college football season is the deluge of television commentators who frequently try to outdo each other with oral examples of how tiny their brains are. It is tiny brain combat and it can be very competitive - especially in the first week of most conference's seasons, like it was this week. That other big zit waiting to be popped right next to it? Oh, that would be the athletic budget of Ohio State University - well over $100 million [as of last year] - which pretty much equals the combined athletic budgets of Colorado State, Wyoming, UNLV, Utah and New Mexico. Not that, as an academic institution [that is what the "university" part means], they have their priorities screwed up or anything - after all, it costs a lot of money to put that extra "The" on all the department stationery.


Texas is only third on that list - a mere $20 mil behind - but that is probably because they spend some of their money [2% of their budget] on big hair and mascot grooming products [carting "Bevo" around is expensive, plus Bevo has demands that must be met - he will only accept a bowl full of blue M&M's at every home game]. But the Southeastern Conference gets positively nutty over teen spirit - they are the masters of self promotion - devoting an average of nearly of a mil only to cheerleaders, mascots and the like. Here we are now - entertain us.

Then there are schools like Reed College in Portland, who could give a hoot about athletics, cheerleaders and mascots [we will reserve comment on big hair - as it may be found in an un-enhanced state - under the arms of some of the women] but who, unlike Ohio State, place their emphasis on academics and learning, according to the most recent edition of the Princeton Review's best colleges. Unfortunately, this comes at a price. Not on the athletic field or court - since they do not care about those endeavours - but rather, on the dance floor as Reed students were singled out for their "inability to dance like normal people" which should come as no surprise since they are not normal people, so they are dancing according to their norm. Needless to say, other not-surprising findings found the shocking twin revelations of BYU as the most "stone-cold sober school" as well as the "most religious school" while top party school honors went to West Virginia, where home furniture is considered the equivalent of firewood.

Shortly after Ohio State's athletic budget numbers were released, a Taiwanese bee reportedly became so enraged with the obvious misplaced priorities in Columbus that it took it out on an innocent woman's chest, deflating her personally designed air bag and causing her right breast to disappear "in only two days". Stunned doctors who were under the impression that the air bag could withstand pressures of up to 200kg - reportedly speculated that this must be some kind of Super Monster Bee and must have a Hollywood feature film made about it while also immediately ordered a replacement air bag from China - home of top-quality products.

Meanwhile, up in Canada, a few of our thirsty neighbors to the north decided they were not too pleased with the fact that a] no Canadian schools where included in Princeton Review's top schools, b] West Virginia was named the top party school and c] they were out of beer. So they did what any Canadian might contemplate doing on a lonely night in the north when it's not hockey season yet while surrounded by a bunch of drunk friends - they stole 100,000 cans and bottles of beer - but not just any beer, Moosehead Lager, which was also victimized three years ago when 36,000 cans were stolen off a Mexican-bound truck. "We can't believe that, of all the beer available in Canada, Moosehead would be targeted again," said company spokesperson, Joel Levesque. That's what happens when Canadians go awry but Labatt's and Molson are taking no chances - they are hiring out protection - Bevo - for their breweries.

They were not the only ones upset with Princeton Review, of course, some people did not take kindly to Reed College being singled out as slightly off-kilter. Folks in Iowa are demanding recognition for the fact that they have snake heads in their green beans. Dancing funny is cute and all, but Iowans feel that when it comes to evaluating normalcy - it is difficult to beat snake head and green bean casserole.

"Well, that was almost like a scrimmage for USC," huffs Lounge newcomer Senor Nacho.

When Trojan quarterback John David Booty went 10-for-11 on the Trojans' first possession of the game as he seemingly effortlessly led USC to the first of their many scores [USC did not have to punt once in the game - all their offensive series resulted in either touchdowns, field goals or interceptions], the Lounge clientele knew there was going to be trouble later in the game and it was not punter Darryl Blunt being forced to make payment of an entire game for his one mistake. After the ABC talking head made his bonehead remark in the pre-game promo, we knew ABC had something up its sleeve besides Dan Fouts, and, sure enough, it was an irrelevant, pre-taped in-game interview segment with NFL commissioner Roger Whatshisname in the third quarter. Obviously, ABC expected a rout and came prepared - but with an interview of an NFL guy during a college football game!? Not even an interesting NFL guy either. Nor a live interview or an interesting topic, for that matter - athletes exhibiting poor behavior? - stop the presses! If ABC was going to have a pre-arranged bit in anticipation of a blowout during a game involving USC - perhaps they might have considered an update on the Reggie Bush scandal? Or would that not be as riveting as pre-recorded snippet of a reporter lobbing softball questions to a droning NFL commish?

"I suppose they couldn't have gone through the season undefeated," hems and haws Coach Burberry, speaking about the Wazzu soccer team after they took their first loss of the season in their sixth match.

Well, we don't see why not, Coach. At least until they got to Pac-10 play, anyway. But still, the 1-0 loss to UNLV in Las Vegas has to be a "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" moment for the team if they are going to reach their goal of playing in the elusive NCAA tournament. The Rebels have now defeated two Pac-10 teams [ASU and Wazzu] and seem likely to be heading toward a repeat of their NCAA appearance from last year but for the Cougars, they will have to rebound today against Nevada, then sweep UC-Santa Barbara and Idaho State this weekend in Pullman to regain national momentum after garnering their first national ranking [23rd according to Soccer Buzz magazine] in program history last week. If they do that, coupled with taking care of "bidness" against Idaho the following week - Wazzu could enter league play with eight wins and set the table for a run at the NCAA.


If, by chance, you find yourself temporarily unmoved by the Wazzu soccer team or just happen to want to take a break from Pac-10 football and watching USC steamroll people whilst you are waiting for college basketball season to arrive [in less than four weeks…] you can entertain yourself in other forms at CrowdRush where, being Midwest-based, they generally avoid discussing the Pac-10 like the plague and find barley and hop-fueled entertainment in discussing the Big 11 [or Big Ten as they refer to it - ha ha] and some other weaker conferences. The Lounge thought the discussion about the Justice League was going to be about the real Justice League, and was interested to see what the Green Lantern was up to these days, but alas, it was merely a fantasy football league. Still, it is fun to pretend to say Martian Manhunter in his native Martian tongue.

Finally, the Lounge Scientists, conducting a study not directly related to Arizona head football coach Mike Stoops, have uncovered the strange case of a man with a tiny brain who has still managed to remain employed despite his peculiar condition. The identity of the man in his mid-40's is protected, but brain scans have shown that fluid - at first suspected to be beer, but later confirmed to be cerebrospinal fluid - has taken up residence where brain tissue should be, reducing the brain size somewhere between 50-75%. Scientists were flabbergasted as to how the patient was capable of functioning in society - although intelligence tests show him with an IQ of 75 [below the average of 100 but not considered mentally disabled].

"The whole brain was reduced - frontal, parietal, temporal and occipital lobes - on both the left and right sides. These regions control motion, sensibility, language, vision, audition and emotional and cognitive functions," says Lounge Scientist #23, Lionel Feuillet, a neurologist at the University of Marseille in France, describing some mouth-frothing sideline incidences which have been attributed to Stoops in the past.

Scientists have said further studies will be necessary to see if the odd condition is contagious as they have received reports of suspected, similar brain-damaged behavior emerging in the television studios of American collegiate sports coverage and athletic departments of various colleges around America since college football season began.





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